It wasn’t him at first. (It was the one I describe in my previous post.) We’re good friends, well... not so good but we’re typical colleagues who enjoy each others’ company over yosi breaks, organizing extra-curricular activities and laugh trips in the workplace. That’s just all. He came with full of angst and overflowing self-confidence that irritated me at first hello – throwing a not so good impression at me. I admit that I was afraid being the laughing stuff in the office where he usually started and I’m new and I don’t know how to ride on. Good thing he never noticed me and made my stay at my new project a peaceful one.
We (most of the times) see each other on the smoking area unexpectedly, unplanned. We never talked that long. It’s like a casual recognition that you know him by face and that’s all. As days go by, that coincidence of having smoke at the same time became a regular one and full of conversations and laughters. In short, I finally get along with him. I’m happy that I have (again) extended my circle of friends.
One night after a crazy party, another colleague asked me who is my crush in the office. I just started laughing at her. She started mentioning names and it made me laugh out loud. Of course she knew, that I won’t disclose it to her. Then she came to a conclusion that he is my crush. She keeps on insisting. Of course, its not him and then I laugh out loud. Then I ask myself... “Why not?”
The crisis started when I was on the high of loving my (previous) crush. It was my battle to myself, struggling, hiding the feeling, being professional. So I came across a solution suggested by another colleague who knows everything about me. She said that since some of her team mates knows that he is my crush, why not go with the flow. She gave me the assurance that “it’s nothing” on him if it will be exposed. I was a bit hesitant since I am using him (or his feelings) for my personal gain. Guilty as charged. For the sake of diverting my longingness and misery, I finally decided that it’s ok to know that he is my (fake) crush. I was under the impression that if the news reach him, it’s gonna be ok, fine, normal. And that we will be the same yosi buddies that we are. As of this time, he have no idea.
We became a constant chat mates. For few days, he’s been insisting of knowing who’s my apple of the eye. Status messages on my Gtalk is telling more than words and a major reason why he started the topic. It came out fun and entertaining. Few days of chatting and discussing serious matters with him is very odd to me. Making me think that he’s just making fun of me and I to him. We stay and talked the same way we used to because up to this time, he still have no idea.
Days have passed and topics are getting more and more serious. He finally got the idea that he is the apple of my eye, my crush which at this time was not. The conversations are getting funnier on my end and I started to feel guilty because I felt the sincerity in him (finally). I was at the verge of telling him the whole truth since I owe it to him, very much. I was a fool for waiting this long before admitting to him. In one chat conversations we had, we had fun getting to know each other and I was about to spill out the truth – that everything was just a cover - but he got me first and throw a very sensitive question at me. It was hilarious but after answering it, I felt that it affects him more than I do. We agreed that things will still be the same between us, that we can still talk girls even though it doesn’t interest me, that we can still go out and get drunk, that we can still talk like we used to – nothings changed.
I never got the chance to tell him the truth and I never will. It wasn’t a cover at all. It’s the way I really feel towards him, that I’m getting over the other him and I am falling for him. The damage was done and we never talked like the way we agreed like there’s a thick wall between us.
Weird thing is that we can still talk freely in chat without limits, without pretension, without attachment. A total opposite in personal. All this tension that’s going on between us makes me work uncomfortably and sometimes irritated but talking to him makes me feel calm and inspired. I don’t know if he’s just like that or he’s being mutual. It is normal to a man to put meaning(s) to every actions of someone when he knows that that someone likes him. I did not want that to happen and soon he’ll be clouded with things, ideas and feelings that he just assumed. It is clear to me that I will never got a chance to be with him intimately and romantically even casually I guess. He’s straight. A single parent. I don’t want to cause too much damage on him. I made it clear to him that I told him how I felt for my own welfare and contentment. I doesn’t mean that he will reciprocate the same feeling or even attention that I am giving him. I’m not that type, well most people are. So I don’t understand why he’s acting like everything's ok where in fact it wasn’t. He is continuously talking to me offline and there’s a corresponding assumption for every action I take and not take. And it sucks! It’s makes me think a lot. His premise lingers in my mind all the time. If we are ok, then he should act like we are ok. But he’s not. I am acting weird I admit but the words from his mouth says that we are ok. He might as well be true to that.
I really hate this feeling. If this can only helped me lose weight, I am voluntarily dwell myself into it. But since it became a distraction to my day-to-day work, I have to deal with this myself. It’s been a week since I had a very crazy night where I got drunk and wasted. For the first time in my life, I puke in a glass! I don’t know what pushes me to drink that plenty. For every shot I take, the more chance to get closer to what I wanted, a dream in a reality. Of course, I was drunk. The drunken mind speaks the sober heart. I didn’t want to be there even he invited me to. I’m not in a mood but my mind and heart says I really needed a drink. I needed some time to forget. So I joined them.
There was moment when I got tipsy but I’m still in my normal state. I texted him asking if he’s ok on the other side of the bench where we sit with 3 more people between us – meaning, we really never got the chance to talk. Besides it will be more awkward (for me) having the two of us facing each other or sitting beside each other. The text conversation went well like the usual chat. I told him that I’m tipsy and I still want to get drink. It might look like he is concern to let me pass the shots but I insist and I don’t remember what happened next.
The next thing I know is I am reading the sent items and inbox messages from him. I could have been more careful in using the words but what I just told is that I am miserable because of him. Gosh! I never thought I can be that mean and frank and honest. Text messages has no emotions and depends on how the recipient interprets it. Realization takes place after I sober up. I apologizes for those loser words and flirtations. I didn’t mean those but the alcohol made me do it. He still plays it safe by telling and reminding me that “we are cool”. That’s the part where I don’t feel any emotion in is text message. Maybe because we are both drunk or its just me looking at the different perspectives and making me crazy. That night made me stay up till 3AM not because I am drunk in his presence but remembering the crazy things I did. I wish I did not joined that party at all.
If only I could turn back time and fix everything, I will remain quiet to what I feel towards someone instead of having this awkward feeling, tension and undefined silence between us. Its very difficult to work when from a potential inspiration, it became a distraction. I’ve decided to loosen up and move on for I know that this isn’t gonna work, impossible. Falling for him was the most wonderful thing happened to me before the year ends and yet the most memorable and probably the bitter one. I’ve blocked his account on Gtalk. It’s was too soon when he found out and it pissed him off (as per some colleagues). It might mean something but I choose not to put too much color in it. It’s for the better. I did it to remove the temptations and obstacles for me to move on freely. I can’t undo it because I didn’t know how to unblock someone. I even deleted his number. I swear to God I didn’t memorize his number. Even unfriend him in Facebook. It’s my way of coping up, healing and moving on. I hope he understands. I don’t care what he thinks anymore, what he says anymore, what he do anymore. As long as It doesn’t concerns me. After all, I don’t like the way he treated our chats. How I wish I didn’t heard that part.
Talking to him makes me feel that I still have a chance for love, maybe not with him but at least I felt that I was accepted for who I am, what I am. Even though it was a only a funny chat full of flirtations, I still have memories to treasure that someone made me feel that I am capable of loving and be loved(?) and I am thankful for that.
It really hurts to see him now. And I don’t have the right to be, I know – product of too much assumptions. We agreed not to have assumptions but can you blame me for choosing him? Loving him? In my loneliness, I can’t help but remembering how hurtful it was to admit to him. My fault, therefore I suffer the consequences.
Someday, I will get over him and when the time comes, it will be the time to approach him, talk to him and pick-up things where we left of before this chaos happened. I still want to save the friendship knowing it will not be the same but at least I know where I stand from there.
I’m still looking forward on that day when it happens though I know it won’t. I may never know but as long as I am on my healing process, I wish that he should keep his distance away from me and I will do the same for as long as I could.
All I’m asking is his cooperation to help me forget cause I’m all over the place...
Hope that this feeling will soon die...